Enough

“I am enough.” 
Say it. 
Accept it.

And sigh with relief as the war on the self finally reaches an end.

The woman of fire
With a voice that speaks truthfully,
without apology.
Who rejects the path of least resistance
Her fire, a threat.
To the man of fuel,
Who cannot possibly exist,
as long as flames remain alit.
Resorting to the only option,
To extinguish.

Confession:

I don’t quite know how to behave.
New found confidence,
Conflicting with principles of modesty and the need to conceal.
Reveal or not reveal?

A woman at ease and comfortable in her own skin is mesmerising. She catches the eyes of others, and makes those around her comfortable too.
It’s powerful.
To exude confidence, and attract the gaze.
And so comes the clash with my desire to preserve and protect my modesty.
The end product being a girl using awkwardness to distract attention from her form to avoid the guilt associated with it.

Have I been socialised to be ashamed?
Of the parts of me that distract?

Swift

Just as the wind passes
through the most hostile of lands.
You too can move,
Swiftly. Fearlessly.

Pain

Part of the human experience.
A part that is feared,
yet must be embraced.
It connects us.
The new self, with the old.
Parts we forget exist.
Parts that still ache.

Pain disrupts. The delusion of perfection. .
And soon we are left to confront
the damaged pieces that remain.
Look for a while.
Then gently, pick it up.
Smooth the edges. Refine.
And piece together.
The old self with the new.

Repeat after me
You are worthy of the love you gift others
You are worthy of the nourishment you provide others
You are worthy of the affection you give others.
And for the sake of your future, do not accept any less.

She hugs me tightly, soothing away my own worries, my own sadness.
When her own consumes her.
How is this possible?
To dig into empty pockets,
And find handfuls for another?

self care? Or selfish?

Its ok choose your self. To choose your own needs.

But do so openly. Be clear. Be honest. 

That is self care. 

But to mask such an act with altruism-

To convince another that you are service to them;

when the intention is to serve your own self first-

is not ok.

That is selfish.

That is manipulation.

The former invites self respect and dignity. 

The latter paves a path to anguish. 

Truth prevails, and those who were deceived will realise. 

And the immediate result- abandonment. resentment. 

The real reason

And if it were for myself,
I'd live quietly, unnoticed.
In service to those I love.
Happily caring.
Nurturing,

But fire exists within.
Ignited by the woman who made me.
Her sacrifice, struggle and pain
Brought forth a light that must be honoured,
That must be seen.

For that reason I reject safety,
I reject mediocrity.
I reject comfort.
And instead will search.
For all that will keep this flame alive.

Dance is but a celebration
Of life
Of health
Of youth.

Foundations for healthy relationships

Toxic, manipulative, unhealthy.
As we become more aware of our behaviours, of human psychology and of the effects of unhealthy relationships, we find it easier to overthink the ones we have. Relationships, of any type don’t gave to be complicated. It’s simple really. Have strong foundations and focus on maintaining principles.

This post will summarise how not to be an asshole.

1) Give respect to be respected. Show them you value their point of view. Respect others as you wish to be respected, that means listening, understanding and sknowledging then. Don’t shut people down or try and make them look small, they won’t stick around for long.

2) don’t use people are a means for your benefit. Some people have the ability to manipulate, it comes naturally to them. I’m one of those people and from experience, being able to get another to do as you please doesn’t work well. That’s manipulation. Sooner or later they will realise that they are doing something they don’t oarticularly want to and in the end they will realise and probably resent you for it. We have no right to control the behaviour of others, so next time before doing so, consider the wishes of the other, rather than your own. Keep your interests out of it.

3) accept others. If they’re behaviour isn’t damaging, if their actions aren’t harmful. If they’re not violent or destructive, then why reject them? If your extroverted brother or sister irritates your introverted self, then create your own space rather than telling them to stop. Allow others to express themselves without fear of rejection, tolerate others as long as they bring no harm to you.

4) instil confidence in them. If you see good in someone, say it. Water the plant.

5) if you upset another, accept the mistake and apologise for it. Then find a way to make it up. Maybe you did something unintentionally that hurt another, in those cases, empathise with them. Causing another pain shouldn’t be taken lightly. Apologise and do something small to show you care.

In summary, respect the other party, avoid acting selfishly and make the effort to make the other feel important. If you can do that they will find it very difficult to keep away from you. The world makes us feel unimportant, to find those who value us is what will lift our spirits. Belittling others leads to our own belittlement. Empower others and I assure you, that very love and kindness will find its way back.

To the healers

To the healers,

Opposites attract,
and you, healer,
attract the needy.

Searching, for opportunities to help.
The healer longs to be needed.
Perhaps that’s the only way of being certain they’ll stay?

Reject that longing.

Your life is to give, and receive.
Your glass must be full, before you pour to others.

If you are wanted, you will recieve
But if needed, you will only give.
Choose to be wanted.
Desired. Appreciated.

It’s not easy.  To trust. We may fall. But what if we fly?

Change

Realising that there was nothing that needed to be changed.

That searching elsewhere, lead to emptiness. What I have, within myself, is far greater than what I may find in other places, in other people. 

May your inner world be your home. A place of safety, not fear.

Parenting lessons from my mum

Words can’t describe how grateful I am for the sacrifices my mother made. At the detriment to herself. She took all the impact, so her children would never have to be. But there was a limit to how much she could take. 23 years. And in the end I only wish we had saved her sooner. 

Now it’s the 5 of us. With the one who violated in exhale. And things have never been better. We feel safe. 

I wanted to share the parenting lessons from my mom. This is how I want to treat my own children one day. 

1) love for them what you love for yourself. She took this to another extreme. Where she wouldn’t buy herself anything unless she was able to gift each of her 4 children the same. 

2) unconditional love: even if you disappoint me, I will never stop loving you. 

3) feelings to never let a child hold on to: 

Inadequacy- you are enough just as you are 

Perfectionism- it will eat you alive 

Fear of abandonment- as long as I’m alive I will never abandon you 

Regret- why regret when God has decreed it to be that way? 

Guilt- make a mistake, apologise, change the behaviour and learn.

Fear- you are accepted here, you are safe with me. 

4) she defended us, when we were attacked, even if it meant she got hurt in the end. She couldn’t let someone instil feelings of worthlessness, always aware of the impact it would have on our personalities. Without realising what she was doing, she defended us and did her best to protect us and our self esteem. 

5) money isn’t to be hoarded, it should be used for experiences, for food and to show someone you love and value them. This doesn’t need to  cost a lot. 

6) acceptance. Each of us 4 had very different personalities and traits. Never was one person better than the other. She judged us by our good actions and intent. There was something beautiful and special in each of us and she wanted that to grow. 

7) openness: she’s my best friend. I can tell her of the same issues as I would tell a friend. If a boy is hurting me, she’d know about it, if my friends are taking advantage of me she’d point it out and tell me to be careful. I could talk to her about anything.

And as often as possible, she’d tell me to share my struggles with my siblings. To help us bond and create trust within our relationship. If we can’t trust our struggles with our own blood then who else? 

So if I had problems with friends, or if I was heart broken or if I was feeling unmotivated, all of my siblings would know. 

8) she sacrificed. We know as facts that she lost nearly everything. Yet despite all of that she says she would not have done anything differently. Because we were worth her sacrifice. What does that tell us? That there must be something good in us and perhaps we should start believing it and acting up to it. So many parents nowadays put other priorities before their children. In the end they feel unworthy of their parents love and attention and develop low self esteem. Prioritise family, always. 

Now I see her. She’s broken. Yet her role doesn’t stop. She continues to heal those when she is in need of healing. I pray that is 4 children become a means for her to heal. I pray we become her strength and offer her safety just as she did for us. I pray God rewards her for all that she endured, and the one who inflicted such harm on a woman as soft as her is deal with in the most just way. And I pray God honours her in every way. 

wanted to document this. This time. It’s it’s precious. I’m with those I love, safe and warm. We’ve lost a lot but gained what’s  priceless. Grown closer, supported, and been the strength of one another. I will forever cherish this time, these memories. That in the bleakest times we offered one another hope. Looked out for one another and fought to stay together.

Red flags of a Narcissist

I've come across countless stories of how empaths fall victim for narcissists, sociopaths or psychopaths and I always believed I was self are enough to recognise if it was happening to me. That's not true. What causes it? Rose tinted glasses. They make it impossible to detect the red flags, and even if you notice them you are reluctant to talk about it.

One of the most basic yet fundamental abilities of an emotionally healthy individual is the ability to recognise their mistakes. To accept, admit and be empathetic towards another when they do something to harm or upset them.

This is perhaps the quickest way to identify a sociopath. If they do something to upset you, how do they respond? Do they blatantly lie (- a pathological liar right there)? Do they shift the blame? Are they patronising saying "Thing about it logically, why would I..."? so you doubt your own rationality? Do they offer an empty apology with "Sorry you felt that way"?

When we are hurt, the majority of the time, it is with good reason. Pain is rarely ever irrational. It is the amongst the most primitive of human feelings and its something we can be certain of if we are feeling it. To have someone take away your right to feel that way, belittle or make you feel silly for it is nothing less than violating. It leaves the person in a state of confusion, feeling hurt but no longer knowing why? Maybe there's something wrong with me? In the long term this leads to nothing less than self doubt, being unable to trust your own feelings, low self esteem and a whole host of other issues.

So if you decide to stop reading now, just take away one message. You are entitled to your feelings. They must be acknowledged and accepted. And anyone who makes you feel silly for opening up about them should be treated with caution. Talking about our feelings should always make us feel better, when talking to the right person it is almost freeing. If doing so brings shame and regret then know its not you.

Anyway here is a list of red flags that I have personally come across, from different individuals yet they all share the same underlying traits.

If you find yourself relating to any of this, do yourself a favour and cut contact ASAP.


1) They're not sorry for the action. They're sorry they got caught and it made a mess and ruined their impression in front of you

2) They do good for the sake of pleasing themselves, of satisfying their ego. So they can tell others of it and receive validation.

3) For some reason, everyone seems to have a problem with them. A growing list of their former friends no longer speak to them.

4) You confront them for something they did to make you feel uncomfortable and they fully deny it.

5) You confront them about how you're feeling, hoping it would make things better but instead they accept no responsibility and leave you feeling stupid for feeling that way.

6) You feel like your crazy for caring so much. The reality is they're controlling the amount of love and attention they give, to keep you within their control and limits.

7) They see the world and people as a means to their own benefit. The need to use others then discard them.

8) You feel exhausted! Take this seriously.

9) Your self esteem is low. You are unappreciated and their presence makes you question yourself and your self worth.

10) Arrogance

11) Self obsession and obsessed with how others perceive them.

12) Easily envious of others. This shows in the negative way they portray those who have more than them.

13) Enjoy drama and "triggering" others. Peoples feelings aren't there for your amusement!

14) Will say things to you for the sake of provoking a reaction and seeing how you respond. Interested in testing your bounaries and what you are and aren't comfortable with. Seeing how much they can get away.

15) Low level of integrity. If they lie for small, meaningless things.

16) If you make them feel insecure in any way, they respond with ridicule.

17) If you are clinging on their potential to improve, and feel like you shouldn't leave because you may be able to help with that.

18) Unempathetic





Low self esteem is the reason for all of these behaviours. Such people need therapy for the sake of bettering their future relationships. It is not your responsibility to stick around and help them, to show them that there is good in them somewhere. You, empath, are loving, wholesome and nourishing however there is a limit to the love you are able to give. You will quickly find yourself depleted and left as empty as they are. For the one with low self esteem cannot possibly cause another to thrive. Leave. Otherwise you will find yourself questioning why. Why you aren't good enough.


To those who made me feel this way. Who had no good intentions for me but to see how successful of a social experiment I'd be, to see how many boundaries they could erode. To see how much they could change me.

Fuck you.

My boundaries remain.