Parenting lessons from my mum

Words can’t describe how grateful I am for the sacrifices my mother made. At the detriment to herself. She took all the impact, so her children would never have to be. But there was a limit to how much she could take. 23 years. And in the end I only wish we had saved her sooner. 

Now it’s the 5 of us. With the one who violated in exhale. And things have never been better. We feel safe. 

I wanted to share the parenting lessons from my mom. This is how I want to treat my own children one day. 

1) love for them what you love for yourself. She took this to another extreme. Where she wouldn’t buy herself anything unless she was able to gift each of her 4 children the same. 

2) unconditional love: even if you disappoint me, I will never stop loving you. 

3) feelings to never let a child hold on to: 

Inadequacy- you are enough just as you are 

Perfectionism- it will eat you alive 

Fear of abandonment- as long as I’m alive I will never abandon you 

Regret- why regret when God has decreed it to be that way? 

Guilt- make a mistake, apologise, change the behaviour and learn.

Fear- you are accepted here, you are safe with me. 

4) she defended us, when we were attacked, even if it meant she got hurt in the end. She couldn’t let someone instil feelings of worthlessness, always aware of the impact it would have on our personalities. Without realising what she was doing, she defended us and did her best to protect us and our self esteem. 

5) money isn’t to be hoarded, it should be used for experiences, for food and to show someone you love and value them. This doesn’t need to  cost a lot. 

6) acceptance. Each of us 4 had very different personalities and traits. Never was one person better than the other. She judged us by our good actions and intent. There was something beautiful and special in each of us and she wanted that to grow. 

7) openness: she’s my best friend. I can tell her of the same issues as I would tell a friend. If a boy is hurting me, she’d know about it, if my friends are taking advantage of me she’d point it out and tell me to be careful. I could talk to her about anything.

And as often as possible, she’d tell me to share my struggles with my siblings. To help us bond and create trust within our relationship. If we can’t trust our struggles with our own blood then who else? 

So if I had problems with friends, or if I was heart broken or if I was feeling unmotivated, all of my siblings would know. 

8) she sacrificed. We know as facts that she lost nearly everything. Yet despite all of that she says she would not have done anything differently. Because we were worth her sacrifice. What does that tell us? That there must be something good in us and perhaps we should start believing it and acting up to it. So many parents nowadays put other priorities before their children. In the end they feel unworthy of their parents love and attention and develop low self esteem. Prioritise family, always. 

Now I see her. She’s broken. Yet her role doesn’t stop. She continues to heal those when she is in need of healing. I pray that is 4 children become a means for her to heal. I pray we become her strength and offer her safety just as she did for us. I pray God rewards her for all that she endured, and the one who inflicted such harm on a woman as soft as her is deal with in the most just way. And I pray God honours her in every way.